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Raucous Lawn Beast
Friday, May 27, 2005 at 21:58
Question: If a 'guest' were to arrive unannounced, casually rampage across Your lawn, gorging on all manner of vegetation and filth before them - then proudly regurgitate the contents of their stomach into Your garbage - Prey tell, how would you react? Would you
A Congratulate them on the efficacy of their performance?
B Request a repeat performance?
C Encourage them to return?
Or
D Plot swift retribution and their painful demise.
Answer: Clearly D. All alternate responses indicate diminished responsibility, not becoming a Feline.
My Staff keep very few bad habits. Unfortunately; however, they insist on placating their awful oily 'pet' which repeatedly wrecks my carefully manicured hunting grounds with its noisy mechanical snout.
Anyhow, what sort of self respecting, marauding Beast would have to be PUSHED!!! Obviously too lazy to move of its own volition - I'll give those lawn beasts a push all right - straight to the tip!
The real solutions to this common problem; however, can be difficult.
Concerned Mistress Cassie Rotund writes,
| 'I enjoy the luxury of a 5-paw household, with hot and cold running staff, many claw-sharpening devices, and all the squeaking, chirping and fluttering snacks I could possibly want. Generally, it consists of rustling, waving grass fronds, hiding me from both the prey on the ground and in the air. [Staff note: Insofar as a cat nearly completely circular in circumference can be completely hidden in a crop circle of her own making, well yes]. ground is suddenly transformed from my stalking jungle into a wide-horizoned savannah. I admit it makes cross-country chasing considerably easier, but the entertainment to be gained from jumping on unexplained rustlings is almost completely gone, until the jungle grows back again. but they are insistent on removing - without telling me! - my outdoor entertainment. And, like most felines, I dislike that much change, all at once. with these terrible changes?' |
| Oh Dear Cassie! You should never feel challenged by change. That is the chore of your Staff, who must be encouraged to find alternatives to their uninvited lawn beast. I am glad to hear of your ongoing practise of traditional Feline cultures - Few humans understand the significance of the ancient craft of Feline Crop Circles; those that do can easily be identified by their keeping of a small goat or sheep, with whom the Feline is free to negotiate. However, since the Staff at your establishment appear to be relatively uneducated these fields, yet well trained in all other matters, I would suggest the following in order to negate the impact of their obnoxious pet. Step 1. Place a few pre-loved metal objects amongst the long grass just before the next appearance of said mechanical preditor - old spoons, car keys, money etc. work best. Step2. Crouch nearby. When the hungry beast next appears, you will probably hear a terrible noise. Do not worry. Become serene. Meditate. Let the sound of screaming Staff waft over you. As the lawn beast sputters and lurches with hideous metallic indigestion, you will be secure in the knowledge that their faults lie within and that suburban harmony will shorty be restored - your hunting environs secured. Puurrfectly yours, Aunty Holly |
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